It is around here someplace!

Whenever one of us can’t find something, we say, “It is around here someplace!”

This has not always been effective in retrieving a lost object.

The earliest loss I remember is my wedding ring, the winter of our first year of marriage.  When I noticed it missing after a trip to the super market, I was fairly certain we would never find it again.  My guess was that it had slipped off when I took a glove off to get my car keys.  The snow bank was at least three feet high.

The next memorable loss was in a watery hay stack: the Mississippi River.  We were part of a flotilla of the Minnesota Canoe Association.  Probably for the vanity of not having a white stripe on my wrist, I had set my high-school-graduation watch on the gunwale of the canoe.  One of the kids asked for Kool-Aid and as I reached for the jug, he or she moved.  Kerplash!  No way would I be able to determine exactly where that watch was.

Books are something that seem to disappear easily.  I remember leaving a copy of “Abbé de Tours” on an airplane.  I lent “Dieu rit en Alsace” (“God laughs in Alsace”) and the borrower denies having it.  I have a vivid memory of John McWhorter’s “Power of Babel” being on my wife’s night stand.  Even buying another copy didn’t make it turn up.

A “good” place to lose something is the Essentia Fitness Center.  I’ve left behind in the locker room an iPod, keys, earbuds, and other stuff.  In almost every case, somebody had turned the item in at the reception desk.  Sadly, others have not always been so fortunate.

This winter I lost my cabin keys in Brimson.  We looked in every building and in the car, but could not find them.  Fortunately we could make copies with my wife’s set.  Then the snow started melting and there was a “golden” carabiner next to the sauna door.  Although I am paranoid about making sure that the carabiner is securely hooked onto a belt loop, I wasn’t paranoid enough that one time.

A few days before my wife returned our granddaughter to Japan, she lost her cellphone.  She and I asked several times at every place she had been if anybody had turned it in.  I called her cell phone and all I got was my recorded voice.  I went to the provider’s web site and checked for unauthorized usage.  There was none but I suspended usage anyway.  After awhile I removed the suspension, but I kept checking for unauthorized usage.

We kept looking over and over in some of the same places, especially the kitchen counter where she often left her phone.  “It’s around here someplace.”

Halfway through my wife’s trip, I was about a day away from ordering a new phone from my provider or getting one on eBay.

As I do every few days, I was going to get some more groceries at the Whole Food Co-op.  It is important to mention the place because I had to determine how many and which of our bags to take.  Because we have so many floppy bags that are difficult to pack, I’m often tempted to use the Co-ops paper bags.  However, we do have two bags with rigid sides.  I selected on of these and then selected what smaller bags and jars I would need for the bulk items I intended to buy.

When I got to the co-op and was at the bin for my first purchase, I reached into the bag for a smaller bag.  There were no smaller bags!  Nothing!  Nada!  Ingenting!  How did I miss putting them in?  As if wishful thinking would put them in the bag, I peered into it intently.  I then noticed a red piece of cloth sticking out from the flap that forms a double bottom.

What is this?  A closer look and I was holding the embroidered zipper pouch that my wife keeps her phone in.  Unzip!  There was her phone!  Mirabile!  It didn’t even have enough power to show the low-power red line.  But, you guessed it, it was around here someplace.

Several hours later I had it fully charged, functional, and with all her data.

I emailed her that either she would never take it out of the house with it off or I would buy a Tile to attach to it. If she has it on and we have our computers set properly, we can use Find My iPhone to locate it within a few feet.

I am also guilty of not remembering carefully where I have put something.  We have a charger for AA batteries that I was sure had been on the kitchen counter.  In fact, I remember clearly that it had been plugged into an outlet above the counter.  As with the cell phone, I kept looking on the counter and in drawers, but I could never find it.

This past Saturday I looked in drawers at our cabin for kerchiefs to keep the sun off my neck.  I found a couple in the next to the bottom drawer, but I was sure there were more.  I opened the bottom drawer and there was… the battery charger.

OK, now where were the batteries that I brought from Duluth to be charged.  Nowhere to be found.

When I got back to Duluth and put my laptop on my desk, there were the batteries: “around here someplace!”

Last time Mel looked, his head was still on his shoulders.

Also published in the Reader Weekly of Duluth, 2015-04-23 at http://duluthreader.com/articles/2015/04/22/5161_it_is_around_here_someplace

The simple done with difficulty

Years ago I bought a Timex Ironman from a jewelry store: a $50 watch from a store that would rather sell me a $500 watch.  It is one of those multi-function watches, and I think I used every one of them.  Also it is very accurate.  I think that it would gain about three seconds a month.  I was very annoying in telling people that whatever clock they were using was off.

Twice the battery wore down and I went to the same store to get a new battery.  The second time the clerk was not too happy about replacing it.

The watch is starting to get old and most of its functions are on my iPhone.  The best feature is that I don't need to dig in my pocket to check the time, I just hold up my wrist and pull my sleeve back.

Then suddenly, on my way to our cabin, the screen went blank.  At some point when I didn't want to be outside, I decided to pull the battery out myself and later buy a new one at Walgreen's.  I did have a set of small screwdrivers and set to.

I got all the screws out but the back wouldn't come off.  I had to repeatedly slide a pen knife under the back to loosen it.  Once I got it off I was confronted with a mechanism I didn't understand.  There were two tabs with arrows closely that indicated that they should be pushed towards the center.  It never budged.

I gave up and put it back together.  I think I only dropped one of the tiny screws once.

Yesterday I took it to Walgreen's and two friendly clerks worked on opening it up.  The first deferred to another who more experienced.  The second easily exposed the battery, went to the rack to get a replacement, put it in, and closed everything up, without dropping a thing.  She proceeded to reset the time, but I said I could do that later.

My cost, $6.25 for the battery!

When I got home, I tried resetting the time, but I couldn't get the next button to work.  Hoo boy!  Shall I just give up on the watch and purchase a cheap, time only watch?

Today, I thought if I took the mechanism out, then I could push on the next button directly rather than the button on the case.

I successfully took the watch apart again.  I don't have any small screwdriver at home, but I was able to use the blade of my pen knife as a screwdriver.  I was right that pushing the next button directly did work.  I reset the watch to the current time and proceeded to put it back together.

I got three screws in, losing them only twice on the floor.  The fourth screw just wouldn't stay upright in the hole.  I don't know how many times it fell to the floor, a floor with a rug whose nap is bigger than the screw!

I asked my wife to try with her smaller and more dextrous fingers.  She too dropped the screw a few times.  I went to the cold, cold garage to get a magnetic wand from my tool box.  I made a swipe over the floor and heard a tiny click.  There was the screw.

After a few more tries I was able to get the last screw started in the last hole.  Of course, it didn't seem to set right.  I loosened the other screws, tightened the last screw, and then tightened them all.

Well, I hadn't set the time as exact as I wanted.  But guess what, the outside next button worked!

I reset the time as close as I could to the time displayed on my laptop, a time that is synced with a standard clock somewhere.  I can't quite look at both times easily, but I would say that my watch is two seconds or less behind the actual time.

I'll see how much it diverges in a month or two.

Once again I can be a time pain; "that wall clock is off by…"