Grover Norquist is frying a couple of hamburger patties in his kitchen when some grease spatters and is ignited. He rushes to his phone to call for assistance.
Scenario One
Grover Norquist calls 911. He receives a recorded message:
If you require government assistance, please look in Grover Norquist's bathtub.
Scenario Two
Grover Norquist calls his private fire company. He is given the following list of instructions:
If you are calling about a cat in a tree, please press 1.
If you are calling about smelling gas, please press 2.
If you are calling about a medical emergency, please press 3.
If you are calling about a fire, please press 4. (Grover Norquist presses 4.)
If you are calling about a car fire, please press 1.
If you are calling about a brush fire, please press 2.
If you are calling about a chimney fire, please press 3.
If you are calling about a kitchen fire, please press 4. (Grover Norquist presses 4.)
He hears the following message:
All our agents are busy. Please stay online for our next available agent.
After a minute, Grover Norquist hears the following message:
All our agents are still busy. Please stay online for our next available agent. Your approximate wait time is five minutes. (This is repeated every minute.)
Finally after ten minutes, he hears in an Indian accent:
"Good evening, my name is Stephanie. It is my pleasure to assist you this evening. May I have your name and address?"
Grover Norquist gives his name and address.
"I am sorry, sir, but we have no record of a client named Rover Northlist."
Grover Norquist spells out his name.
"I apologize for getting your name wrong, sir. My computer is searching for your account."
After a minute, the agent says, "I'm sorry, sir, but we are having a typhoon and our connection to the Internet is slow."
After another minute, the agent says, "I'm sorry, sir, but our records indicate that you have not paid your last two premiums. We are not permitted to dispatch a crew when a client is in arrears."
Scenario Three
As in Scenario two, but Grover Norquist has paid all his premiums. After the agent finds his account, she says, "I'm sorry, sir, but our crew for your town is now at an apartment fire and it appears that they will be there all night. Would you like me to check with our backup crew? They are only twenty miles away."
