Sunday, March 31, 2013

Billionaire Duluth Native Buys Northland Reader

The following was my first April Fool submission to the Weekly Reader, then called the Northland Reader.  It is one that has been read several times on my web site; as of this posting it comes up second in a Google search of "duluth" and "billionaire".

Billionaire Duluth Native Buys Northland Reader
Melvyn D. Magree
Originally published in
Northland Reader
now called
March 30, 2000
May 22, 2007 and March 31, 2013

Silicon Valley billionaire and Duluth native Nessuno Jarnowski Ingenvik announced today that he is buying the Northland Reader for an undisclosed price.  Mr. Ingenvik said that he is doing it because he would like to return to his roots, he would like to pay back Duluth for his upbringing, and he thinks the Northland Reader deserves a better fate than lining his mother’s parakeet’s cage.

Mr. Ingenvik made his fortune selling taconite pellets on the worldwide web.  He discovered that taconite pellets in the ears were an excellent hangover remedy.  One night after a bout of drinking grappa, vodka, and akvavit, some friends stuck the pellets in his ears as a prank.  Mr. Ingenvik woke up the next morning without his usual headache.  In fact, his head was so clear that in less than an hour he was able to draft a complete business plan for selling the pellets over the web.

One of Mr. Ingenvik’s first actions will be to move the offices of the Northland Reader from its cramped quarters in Canal Park to the penthouse of the Technology Village.  Mr. Ingenvik said that the move to the Technology Village will provide the synergy needed to expand the Northland Reader into an electronic media leader.  Furthermore, all the young interns will provide flashier, more iconoclastic content at far less cost than the current writers.

Mr. Ingenvik plans to create a web version of the Northland Reader by late spring.  He said that a cutting edge publication like the Northland Reader should have been using cutting edge technology long ago.

Publisher Robert Boone remembers Signore Nessuno when they were teammates on the East hockey team.  He said that Nessuno was known as the Ice Italian because he was so cool under pressure.  When he was asked about his future plans, Boone said he would think about them from his chalet in Switzerland.

Editor Richard Thomas remembers Pan Jarnowski when they were team mates on the Denfeld basketball team.  He said that Jarnowski was known as the Pouncing Pole because he would often grab the ball out of an opponent’s hands.  When he was asked about his future plans, Thomas said he would think about them from his condo at Waikiki.

Columnist Duke Skorich remembers Herr Ingenvik when they were team mates on the Central wrestling team.  He said that Ingenvik was known as the Slippery Swede because he was able to get out of some very difficult holds.  However, Skorich said those fond memories will never get him to move to the Technology Village even if they offered free brats and beer for lunch.

Columnist Mel Magree groused, “I guess I’m done here.  Nobody in Silicon Valley wants programmers over forty years old.”